SeedsThoughts and Relevant information from Sara
As if with the cycle of the full moon, there comes a new transition, a new season, a fresh start, a time for letting go, a time for birth, perhaps a death…a graduation, a wedding…the beginning of a relationship, as well as an end. In all contexts, across all colors, tribes, and tongues…life continues to change, to transform…to take on new meaning. A new lens of perspective is often created, or perhaps a settling in of wisdom. Sometimes there is an edge of frustration because life is no longer as familiar as it once was. Transitions can be very difficult…or at least anxiety producing. We can feel hurt, slighted…or even exhilarated. As my youngest child is making preparations for college, and thus also choosing to spend much more time with her dad, I am feeling the effects of being an “empty nester,” sooner than I had originally prepared. True enough, most of the clients I come to work with are facing a new place of conscious awareness about something they need support with, clarity to understand, or wisdom to navigate the new terrain. How we allow ourselves to approach a transition can make all the difference.
In my training, I have learned both personally and professionally that if I can stay in a state or position of curiosity, that this simple shift can make all the difference. From a place of curiosity I can “step back” from my fears, from the tension, from the temptation to jump to conclusions, to blame, or to even get overly excited. From a place of curiosity, I can better navigate any choices I might need to make because I am, interestingly enough, remaining calm as well. It is from this place of being calm, that I can allow myself to respond without reactivity, and to do so with confidence about my choices in which to honor self care. So, whatever it is that happens to be on your mind with the latest transition, I am wondering if you might be able to stay curious about what is happening? If not…I would be happy to help you find a way in which to do so. May peace be with you.
As I continue to evolve as a trauma specialist, I know that when healing, or new truth integrates and the brain rewires, that the perspective on our ability to appreciate our value, exponentially increases. I am certainly blessed to be able to help support and witness this process as it unfolds, each and every day within the living room of my office in Fort Mill, SC. Professionally, I don’t know of anything more rewarding. Perhaps what can also be said is that when an individual heals, and their perception of value is more fully restored, then the way they see themselves in the context of connection to others, also shifts, because they have grown their capacity for intimacy, exponentially.
That said, ideally, if it is in the best interests to my individual client, then I will also see, or very soon begin to see, any intimate partner or spouse, simultaneously, so as to begin to help grow and honor the natural, outward expression of that restored, internal intimacy within the context of the relationship now needing support. The process is a delicate balance, and it is indeed within the best interests of the trauma survivor for them to have the opportunity to find Mutual Support and Cooperation in their most important relationship as they learn to take new and fresh responsibility to integrate the healthy brain changes back into their most important relationship.
Sometimes, the couple comes in, already fully aware that they are in a negative interaction cycle that needs guidance and support. And as with all couples, the place to begin to work is with the individual that either has the greatest need, greatest courage, or has the strongest capacity in which to develop necessary trust with me as a therapist. All the work becomes life-changing, brain changing, and a bit miraculous. My intention is to always offer the utmost, gentle respect and honor towards that core experience/part of self or broken relationship, which needs a generous amount of loving compassion. Please let me know if I can help nurture your new beginnings. Please don’t hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or call my office: 855-542-8255.
As we end 2016, many of us will take time to reflect on that which we are not so thrilled. We might have already criticized ourselves for not “doing” what it is that we thought we should have already figured out. We might be determined that 2017… WILL be different. We might make lists, create a plan, and a few of us will find a way to “muscle” ourselves towards victory lane. Most of us; however, will honestly…fail—fail to accomplish what it is that we most likely, impulsively, are now, once again stating that we will change without really pausing and owning how it is that either our internal or familial systems need for us to create this change. We will most likely be ‘efforting’ for someone or some thing important to us, without knowing how to wait for a true, organic, internal impulse that can actually create the success we say we want. The New Year’s resolution, “tradition” begets that January 1st is the moment, but regardless of our ambition, the local YMCA will be slammed for only about 5-6 weeks. As a previous personal trainer, I saw this happen year after year. I know now that change can be concrete, but only as individuals start owning an intention to bring more value and honor towards themselves.
So how is THAT accomplished? Owning value of self enough to do what Ray Castellino has coined as a “PAUSE,” is STEP 1. A Pause is an acknowledgement of sometimes a painful truth or awareness about something within that lets us know why it is we keep doing what we do not want to do. Only then when we can bring compassion and healing support towards this new awareness, (STEP 2) do we then need to continue to wait (STEP 3) to listen…for the new, fresh, effortless, internal action IMPULSE that will certainly bring a calm, organic shift in our behavior.
To further expand, we have to acknowledge the root of why something is “off” within. We have to be in what Dick Schwartz will say is a CURIOUS position. A wondering… “I wonder why that is?” For example: It is easy to see an extra 20 pounds in the mirror, or for others to see that we have been starving ourselves. It is easy to feel rejection, but maybe not so easy to own why it is that we are actually rejecting something about ourselves, and thus disconnecting from intimacy within ourselves first, and thus, also towards others. To love ourselves best towards change, we must learn how to own this pause and become aware of why it is that not only our mind, but also our body knows the root of truth as to why it is that we see what we see in the mirror. By taking an intentional ‘pause’ to slow down and listen, to own/acknowledge a potentially painful thread of truth/experience, and to then bring love and compassion towards this internal pain, IS the truth serum to either melt away pounds or to actually create the desire to find a healthy weight, and essentially, come into balance with our secondary, ‘managed’ relationships with food and exercise. Acknowledging the more tender emotions of what really needs to be acknowledged IS the calorie burning or energy absorption that needs to take place. The impulse to then “walk, run, or maybe even to eat,” with newly felt love, compassion, and freedom within, becomes the organic, lasting, natural impulse that never has to be ‘muscled into existence’ ever again. May you, in this new beginning be so blessed with courage to find your internal stillness and peace as you learn to pause, and then find yourself acting upon a true impulse that creates lasting change.
What gives us the joy, peace, and connection we all hope to someday embrace? What is the secret to having the authentic blessing of finding support, connection and even simple, most valuable contentment? Being still. Being present….Having our experience accurately reflected. I have found no other way. We can’t do enough fixing. We cannot buy enough gifts, or even big enough houses or trips. We cannot drink ourselves to any lasting pleasure, if towards any at all.
The physical gifts we give and receive may make us smile, communicating gestures of our affection and appreciation, but not until we know how to hold the intimacy of a long pause of presence with one another will we know that we are…home.
Many of my clients find a way to have the courage to trust the process, and also have the curiosity to discover this magical, sacred space…first within, and then with those they love most. Doing so becomes the very best gift they can ever give or receive…and it most certainly lasts a lifetime, and into the legacy of their children’s children.
Will you dare to ponder that you, too, can find this everyday contentment? Will you open your heart to the greatest gift that you can create for not only yourself but for your family as well? Peace is a process unfolding. May you find the courage to create the contentment you hope Santa might put into your stocking. I believe in the good work you can and will do! I would be honored to help you create and own the intentions that are most important to you. May peace, gently, gracefully fall upon you.
There are too many ways in which to count, all the places we experience loss. Sometimes we lose an important friendship, a supportive relationship…sometimes there is an actual death. And then there is job loss, general disappointment…or depression that sets in, leaving us singing a song of sorrow. What I know, is that sometimes it is the most challenging thing to sit in the sting and the burn of loss. It is painful. Agonizing. Doing so takes us from our protective facades of being strong, of having it ‘all together.’ Allowing ourselves to have permission to grieve…can be frightening, indeed.
What I know, is that when we allow ourselves the opportunity to sit in the pain and embrace the truth of the loss, we can move through the pain, creating room to experience more open, beautiful, lighter spaces in our mind and body in which to let in peace and joy. The pain has to be acknowledged, witnessed, and compassion towards this part of our experience must have an opportunity to be felt. It is a bit like cleaning up a wound, whether this wound is fresh, and still a bit bloody, or if something triggering has come along to rip off a scab that we conveniently forgot we had. Taking time to properly care for the wound, no matter how deep, no matter how old…is imperative. It needs our attention.
With big wounds, we need help. We need a loved one, or an intentional friend with the capacity to empathize and to help carry our burden until we are strong enough to walk. They can’t do the work for us, but they can certainly help shoulder the weight…to be the ‘spotter’ so to speak, as we do the heavy lifting. A therapist can hold this space as well. We all need support. At times, we all need a caring shoulder to lean into. Please let me know if I can help you through that process. It would be an honor to serve you in that tender, vulnerable space.
Finding freedom from traumatic experience is an amazing gift we courageously give to ourselves. Myself included. Honestly, there is not one person on the planet that hasn’t been through something at least a little traumatic, and it is both a blessing and a curse to be in the place of awareness of it, but also to not yet have the courage, support, or resources in which to find an unburdening experience from the pain it creates within and with others. Sometimes the pain manifests itself in a physical way, and it always amazes me how it is that when we connect physical and emotional pain to its place of origin, or birthing place of experience, that we have the gift to both witness and acknowledge something that has crippled us in one way or another from actually experiencing the benefits of joy, peace, love, intimacy, and freedom.
Whether it is work within myself, an individual, or with an individual inside a couple, it is such a gift to me to witness the peace and freedom that comes from both acknowledging truth and creating the opportunity for freedom, genuine forgiveness, and joy to take its place. Know that I am a fellow sojourner with you in this process. You are not alone in having suffered with pain. Know too, that a therapist is only as effective as they have taken the responsibility to do their own internal work. It is an honor to both hold and serve you on your course for experiencing life without the heavy burden of the trauma you are carrying. You really don’t have to suffer, or be in a place of hurting others around you because you are still hurting. I hope you can find the courage to let me help you help yourself, unburden from the pain and disconnect. The space of joy and freedom is not that far away. I hope you will let me help you or your relationship get much closer to the joy, peace, and intimacy you have longed to experience. May blessings come…