SeedsThoughts and Relevant information from Sara
Sometimes we find ourselves in need of critical care. Sometimes this is emotional; sometimes this is physical, and when it is physical, it absolutely will be emotional as well. These times are the ones that create an instant and drastic awareness that something is very wrong; it is usually life-threatening…a pending cancer diagnosis, an accident, an important surgery that will need aftercare, the loss of a parent, a child—at any stage of development, within the womb or several years out. There are many other instances that could be named, but in each one, a completely helpless part arises with jolting speed, that is near impossible to contain within without first knowing how our internal systems operate, or how to incorporate mindfulness skills in which to access places to support self regulation. And even with this training? I know that one can only hold out so long before that critical need for attachment and felt connection must be acknowledged from the one we trust for support. Without it? Our innate self preservation resources kick in and we will choose to fight, freeze, or flee, in desperation to be seen and heard. In fact, we may never be able to return our heart back towards this person if many failed attempts have already been realized.
What I know and understand, is that this time of critical need is the very moment that we absolutely must have our partner turn towards us. We must know inside that they want to be there, that they want to support us, that they will hold the space of kindness, gentleness, loving concern, and compassion. And much like a baby that is never held, nor acknowledged when it cries out for support, an ability to trust love from this person and possibly towards anyone thereafter, may build protective walls of isolation that will be a great challenge to soften, as this “exile” will forever be protected from ever consciously being vulnerable, ever again, until a deeper healing takes place.
On the fantastic flip, the partner that turns and supports their loved one with such loving, connective presence, will ever be supported, defended, and treasured in return for nearly all lengths of time to come, for responding with such support in such critical moments grows a nearly unbreakable, impenetrable attachment bond.
Valentine’s day is one of those days that only those in love, have not been disappointed by love, for those still hopeful for love, or falling back in love… can actually appreciate. Many more, perhaps, have felt the pain of divorce, a break up, a death, a disconnect, or an “indefinite pause” that was not mutually agreed upon. And the pink and red holiday with bubbly hearts, cupid arrows and “Sweethearts” candy? is simply a reminder of the pain that still shatters with waves of sorrow and the smearing of mascara.
As a couples’ therapist, my work is most often to grow the attachment bonds of those that once knew the sweetness of velvety love, but have grown salty in the prickliness of their disconnection. How did they come to know pain instead of pleasure?
Can they stay curious about this? Believe it or not, when we can stay curious, we can literally breathe in a bit of space that keeps us operating in the truest part of ourselves that can remain open towards love. The one blended within a painful experience? This individual has been triggered by their partner to the place that holds much deeper, first family, attachment pain…or original disconnection. The pain now experienced within relationship? Is an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to heal, presently, and from before.
Would you invite curiosity towards this internal place that begs for you to show curiosity and compassion within? Sometimes someone else just can’t fix it with flowers, or sex. Sometimes we have to learn how to find a way to find the wounded one within.
You have everything within you to start the process towards creating the attachment bonds you desire most. Stay curious, stay calm, stay creative… stay compassionate. YOU have great value. Start loving those wounded places within you that need your love and kindness, and the rest will happen…
A New Year often stirs many thoughts about who we are, how we feel, and what it is that we actually, really, want to change from the year that just happened!
Sometimes we look at ourselves and see little to no value. Sometimes we look at our surroundings and wonder how am I going to fix this? One thing I do know, is, that we all need support…emotional, physical, and my particular belief system aches for spiritual support as well.
Creating room for more support eventually creates positive change, though sometimes we have an inability to have the accurate lens in order to access responsive, helpful support. Sometimes it is, that we actually need to learn to tap into the naturally flowing, organic, gentle and kind resources already within us, in order to be most efficient. Please note that I said gentle and kind. I might also like to add compassionate and loving.
Regardless of how change and support get accessed for you, I am thrilled that you are owning both an awareness and impulse in which to create positive change for your growing of a more comfortable, “you” this 2016.
May many blessings be added unto you! Sara
This is truly one of my own new beginnings! I have wanted to start publicly writing since 2008 after completing my first manuscript, and have now, finally created the moment, 7 years later. That particular work will still wait to be published, as the content comes from a very tender, personal, and most vulnerable place. I suppose I must build the courage to share, or to potentially shift the language in order to be most helpful now that I consider myself a growing trauma specialist. Coming up with a name for my blog has been interesting to say the least, Seeds, seems at least, for right now, the best way to describe “nourishment” for my following Sparrows that have come to find me at Sparrow Care Psychotherapy. The content will seek to provide sustenance, encouragement, wisdom, or knowledge towards strong growth in mental health and fitness. Thank you for joining me on the journey. I look forward to hearing from you! Most humbly, Sara